Shyness

I have always struggled with shyness. Many people misunderstand or misjudge people who are shy. I don't have negative feelings towards people (for the most part), but if I don't know you or barely know you it is almost impossible for me to talk to you. I know I come across as rude, snobby, etc. And knowing this, you would think I would change, but it's not that easy. It is even difficult for me to post on blogs (hence the lack of blogposts), twitter, facebook, etc. I really try to promote myself, but this damn shyness just won't bend.

So of course this makes it hard to pursue music. So much is meeting people and networking. I'm not cut out for that kind of thing. I have an 'artist's personality' or whatever that means. I play music, I have very little stagefright, and I hope that I'm good at what I do. I'm just not good at talking to people. Should that matter?

So how do I deal with this? How do I get around it? For years I think I've just gone along with the 'I'm not shy, just hip' joke and tried to make it work for me, but in reality, I'm totally NOT hip. Once I get into a conversation I'm sure that becomes glaringly obvious.

I just keep on it. I tell myself, don't think so hard about it. Just do what you love. That is the only satisfaction anyway.

Free Christmas Download

I have recorded a cover of my favorite Christmas song, River by Joni Mitchell. Feel free to download and share with your friends. Enjoy!

http://www.mediafire.com/?jcr127oxsbfj77o

I'm hoping this new year brings some progress. I have two shows in the works, one in January and one in February, and am planning on booking more after New Year's.

Winter has always put a strain on my already fragile voice. I was never a great singer by nature and I've had to work VERY hard to get to the place I'm at. I constantly struggle with my voice. It's finicky. I am trying to push myself and try new techniques, but with winter illness, dry weather, etc. it is very difficult. I guess with anyone it's a challenge to accept your voice, to embrace it's quirks and imperfections.

If you read this and want to hear what I'm up to, listen to my demos at - myspace.com/rachelanderson

and check out the band I play bass in - www.facebook.com/wearetangentarc

The 'What I'm Up To' post

I have a few projects in the works that could probably use some explanation. Of course I'm writing and recording demos for my own original songs right now. I have an awesome digital 8-track, but not much in the way of other recording equipment or recording knowledge. The extent of my knowledge is using an old tape 4-track. These songs are experiments. I'm trying to, well, try some new things, push myself, take risks. Write stuff I like and not over analyze it.

As I've mentioned before on this blog, I'm also setting some Robert Louis Stevenson poems from A Child's Garden of Verses to music. I have always loved many genres (rock, classical, some folk, jazz,etc.) and I am trying to tap into that with these new songs. They are turning out very traditional - or atleast as traditional as I get. I'm still experimenting with instrumentation and style, but overall it has been a very satisfying experience.

I am also playing bass in a band that I guess you could call 'indie rock'. I'll be the first to admit that I don't understand all the labels. I just know that I like this band and this music. It rocks, but it's also thoughtful, which is also my personal goal.

The last few months I've been rockin' out to John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band. We got the tape at a yard sale and have almost worn it out in our minivan. Some of the songs are very aggressive and undoubtedly rock, but some are classic Lennon ballads. They explore themes of self actualization, facing one's past, etc. that John was dealing with in therapy at the time. I have always been drawn towards these themes in my own songs and this album has really inspired me to write about what I want to write about.

February on should bring about new shows featuring new material, and hopefully some CDs as well.

I always come full circle and return to this blog to say the things I can never say out loud.

I love music. I love art. I love beauty and the search for truth. I want to know myself. I want to learn how to truly love.

For me art is the path to self awareness. To understanding life or a higher being or whatever you want to call it.

So believing all this leaves me sad and confused. Are beauty and truth subjective as everyone in these post-post-post-post-post modern times alleges? My instinct and my fiercely idealistic youth has always been firmly rooted in the idea that truth and beauty were almost a being that exists outside of ourselves, but we can have this beauty within ourselves if we work for it. If we tear away the layers of selfishness and self importance we put upon ourselves.

But I guess no one wants that anymore. We all see ourselves as magnets, pulling others into our orbits. We see ourselves as movie stars walking around 'in character' until we are finally subsumed by pop culture and BECOME the character.

This brings me back to my first post here. Should art form us or do we form art? Has 'art' simply become imitation? Affectation? Attitude? We resent those artists whose art is the act of plunging deeper within ourselves, deeper into human nature. Those artists who passionately search humankind for beauty. Whose art is again, peeling away the lies. Sifting through the ugly to find the pearl within. Now art IS the ugly. But why? Nothing means anything. Nothing is sacred.

I am not in a video or a movie. I want to be real. I want real expression, uncultivated or not. Just REAL.

Today I started writing music to the poems of Robert Louis Stevenson. A Child's Garden of Verses.

My Kingdom

From Child's Garden of Verses

Down by a shining water well
I found a very little dell,
    No higher than my head.
The heather and the gorse about
In summer bloom were coming out,
    Some yellow and some red.

I called the little pool a sea;
The little hills were big to me;
    For I am very small.
I made a boat, I made a town,
I searched the caverns up and down,
    And named them one and all.

And all about was mine, I said,
The little sparrows overhead,
    The little minnows too.
This was the world and I was king;
For me the bees came by to sing,
    For me the swallows flew.

I played there were no deeper seas,
Nor any wider plains than these,
    Nor other kings than me.
At last I heard my mother call
Out from the house at evenfall,
    To call me home to tea.

And I must rise and leave my dell,
And leave my dimpled water well,
    And leave my heather blooms.
Alas! and as my home I neared,
How very big my nurse appeared.
    How great and cool the rooms!

Why is so much stock put in charisma? Isn't most charisma simply an act anyway? If you're scripting what you say, how is that charisma? Why do we believe that artists need persona's?

I used to feel bad because I don't have the right personality to go up on stage and wow everyone with my clever quips and deep explanations of songs, but in all truthfulness, I don't care. I have no desire to do those things. Do you ask a painter to come out and explain his painting? Is a poet expected to captivate everyone with his/her personality?

I understand that music is a performance art, but what are we performing? The music, right? We are all so accustomed to instant gratification that we can't wait 30 seconds between songs in silence.

There are no commercial breaks.