Perspective (or lack thereof)

I fight so hard to NOT be all or nothing. To not judge myself by some completely unrealistic standard...but I fail miserably. Occasionally I look around and think, "man, if that person at that skill level has attained some success, why can't I?". But then I remember that 'the game' is not about skill or talent, but about fashion and willingness to sell one's self down the river. That is something I can not do.


Why do I care so much? Why am I so insecure outwardly? It seems to contradict the spirit inside of me. Who's approval am I seeking? My own? Why do I feel I have to be THE BEST and not just the best I can be?

Rhetorical questions of course. Now off to read, for some inspiration.

Frustrated

Just static. Looking around and wondering, 'what's the point?'.

Outside influence

I have taken a break from songwriting recently. We (my husband and I) have been working on some cover songs with a friend on drums. Our sole purpose is to play the drummer's wife's birthday party in August, but I think we might consider playing a local venue for fun.

It's always amazing to me that I can work on a cover, particularly if it's one I never imagined doing, and get so much out of it. I never bothered learning certain songs because they only have 3 or 4 chords and are over played, but as I'm learning them I come across new voicings, new rhythms, etc. Things I had never thought of before. I might never play these songs again, but I know they are being retained in the musical part of my brain and will manifest themselves when I am working on something new. I think being narrow minded (only listening to one style of music) will keep you from pushing forward, keep you from opening up your creative world.

It's also a reminder that some songs were huge hits for a reason. How many times have we all heard "That'll Be the Day" by Buddy Holly? But you learn it and try playing it at the same tempo with the same feel/energy! True, it might not be a concerto or symphony, but there is something real there.

I'm hoping that when I get back to my songs I will have some fresh ideas. I am itching to perform so badly. I just have to force myself to make it happen.

Song Obsession

'real love' -john lennon

I've been obsessed with this song lately. So simple and yet so beautiful. It sucks me in and I can't get it out of my head.

Have a new song 3/4 of the way finished. Needs some more lyrics and arranging. The other song is stuck in limbo as often happens. It's funny because I thought it was the one that would stand out. They take on a life of their own and surprise you sometimes.

I am reminded this week that songwriting requires my 'songwriting muscles' to be in shape. I need a good 2 hours to practice, run through old songs, then start the pieces of the new songs. I have been writing 2 new songs (in true Rachel fashion) that could mesh together. But the more I add to each the more they take on a life of their own. One is a song I started a year or so ago that never really went anywhere. The other is newer, based on similar chord structure, but a very different subject and ultimately a different sound.

My more recent songs are an attempt at creating something that sounds deceptively simple, but has depth or detail that keeps you hanging on. Something that is smooth and easy to listen to, but has unexpected turns that keep you on edge. It is a fine line. Simplicity can be beautiful, but it can also be boring (redundant, bland, trite, etc. etc.) But look at Ode to Joy. Everyone knows that melody. Think of the scene in Immortal Beloved when Ode to Joy is playing at the end. I cry every time! So simple, yet so deep. That comes from a deeper place.

Lyrics are hard to come by these days, but I am hopeful. They always seem to drop out the air when I least expect them. Usually when I have been playing a song and getting into what I think of as the "runner's high". That place where endorphins kick in and your are just floating in that creative place. Hard to do with children, housework, part time work....but I'm trying to make time.

You can now be my fan on facebook. How self indulgent is that? My husband says it's just marketing, but I feel bad about it....I forget that no one values humility anymore. So in an attempt to be more confident - be my facebook fan!

Was doing some songwriting today. Was reminded of this blog.

I'll write here again soon.

The dreaded 'WALL'

I always tell my students to expect to hit a wall that they will have to work work to break through. Often times they progress quickly in the beginning, then they hit some more advanced rhythm and bam! they're stuck. They can't play the song with the same amount of effort that the previous songs required. They must push themselves to a new level, connect new parts of their brain that have never connected before. After you break through the wall the new technique you learned seems simple and you wonder what made it so hard.

I feel like musicianship and songwriting is full of these walls. I have broken through most of them with the passion of youth. I didn't have to work so hard to get through as I do now. Now I hit a wall and get what I call writer's block. I have written songs using my new skills, pushed myself, now what? I have no desire to just write the same song with new words or slightly varied chords. I hear SO MANY SONGS and I think, that sounds like 1,000 songs I've heard before. I want my songs to musically lead your ear (and heart, and maybe mind) to a new place. I want you to be surprised by what comes next, but not bothered by it. I want it to feel familiar or identifiable, but not redundant.

I am now brushing up my chord knowledge and improvisation skills. I used to feel like my instinct was enough, but through the years I've realized it isn't. There are more avenues I haven't been down. I don't utilize augmented chords. I don't know what mode of scale goes best over what chord. I have stumbled upon these things and developed some good habits (and I'm sure some not so good ones) but I believe that to push deeper into songwriting as art I need to have a good, or better yet great, grasp of it's foundations.

Basically I've hit a wall that is bigger than any I've come across before. I feel like I don't really have the time to work through it. That depresses me. I feel like I am either on the precipice of artistic death or the edge of an ocean of artistic discovery. Do I have the power to choose?

I am also constantly frustrated with the limits of my voice. That deserves it's own blog. I can't really change it, but I think I can learn to bring out it's good qualities. Or learn to live it.