Played a show last night. Totally bombed thanks to a sore throat. There were a few good moments, but overall I left feeling pretty disappointed in myself.

The best song was the newest song I played. A song about a friend who died a few years ago after suffering from mental illness and a difficult life. I had thought the song was too strange, too 'out there' for people to get. But before I even finished the last note there was applause. I'm sure part of it was the fact that I put more into this song than the older songs, but something in it was understood.

I'll be playing the same venue again next month. Hopefully I'll be well and can really perform at my best. I have a few more new songs to try out. I think having the next show as a goal will inspire me to work on writing more.

The first law of art is contrast. Tension and release. Tension and release. A breath in and a breath out. Anticipation and culmination. How often do we let ourselves get into changeless emotion? A constant drone. Art is not simply an expression of an emotion, but a look through that emotion to the other side. It is a journey, not only a reflection.

I am just trying to be me.

I have been struggling with hopelessness lately. I feel as though no one cares. No one likes my music, no one is interested.

All I am doing is trying to be me. Be TRULY me. Dig down deep and face myself as I truly am. I am honest, I am hoping that my art convey honesty and creativity. I hope that you can relate to something there. I am trying to be kind in my dealing with people, respectful, modest, true to myself and my art. Why doesn't this work? What do I have to do to get people interested in my music?

I have very little in the way of social skills. I don't deny that. But will you write me off completely because I can't or don't want to fit into some gang or some niche?

I am feeling like motherhood and having a music career are opposite ends of some spectrum, a spectrum I'm not even sure I'm on. If I am searching myself and my life for deeper meaning I feel like I'm denying my children the time and attention they so desperately need. If I give EVERYTHING to my family I am killing myself. I am killing myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I very well might be having a breakdown. I would find my way out if I knew how, but it appears that there is only one path. God knows I try. I am trying, but all I want to be doing is making MUSIC. Writing, creating, expressing, etc. etc. Without that I am not me.

I am forcing myself to play with other people. I am making my children cry by playing music here and there. When I get overwhelmed I sit and write a bit. I write things no one will hear. I give my all to add to someone else's songs. Does anyone even notice that I'm disappearing?

Just wrote the bulk of a new song. I really need to start performing on piano AND guitar. I have so many songs I really love on piano, but dread lugging that keyboard around. It's probably worth it though.

Is feeling a smidgen of inspiration. Writing the final part to a newer song. Being reminded of the power of the 4 minor chord at the right place and the right time.

If only the lyrics would be so easy....

Barren Wasteland

I don't have much to say. I haven't written anything in weeks. I am dissatisfied with everything I come up with. It all sounds predictable. Or boring. I want to branch out. I want to express the depth of my feelings, but even those feelings are compromised by a life of endless monotony.

On the other hand, I am terrified of passion's potential. I also terrified of being delusional with self importance.

I feel as though I'm falling through the cracks.

This is depressing drivel.

My mind is constantly filled with songs. "Time After Time", "I'll See You in My Dreams", "After You've Gone", "Black Crow", and more and more and more.

I am currently playing with a new band that is writing songs as we go along. For the most part we fine tune songs that the guitar player/vocalist writes, but it is very collaborative. Songs change quite a bit through the process.

I am trying to hold to his vision for the music, which isn't hard because I generally like what he's bringing to the table. It is a new method for me though. I have spent so many years (since I started writing my own music at 12) being secluded from the rest of the world as I put together ideas. I think the process of filtering ideas through 4 people's heads has it's ups and downs. I see the many avenues the songs can take. I think the songs can lose their purity, so to speak, but they gain a new quality (communal energy?) that can only be found through collaboration.

For now I see it as a great opportunity for personal growth. I am exercising many muscles: my ear as I pick up what I hear, and my mind as I think about what my part should sound like to compliment the other parts, the notes, the beats, etc.

In addition to all this, it's a weight off my shoulders. I am not solely responsible for carrying the songs. These are not my lyrics, this is not MY soul being exposed. These are not MY ideas to be critiqued.

So far it's turning out to be a great experience. Now, if I can only find time for my Beatles cover band, accompanying an Irish American folk singer, and last but NOT least my own music...