Woe is (not) me.

The show went great. Now I'm onto new material.

Where do I want to go? I really want to rock more. I write ballads, sad songs, etc., but I also want to rock. I want to write something musically intriguing and totally 'groovin'. That is the tricky part, the more stuff you add the less it tends to rock. I have a handful (or more) rock songs I've written in the last 10 years, but most of them are dated. I am ready for something NEW. I have 2-3 songs I am sticking with that need a band. Drums, bass, another guitar possibly....but let's face it, it's SO much easier to practice by myself and perform by myself. The whole process of teaching someone my songs and the little voice in my head constantly saying, 'they probably hate this. Why am I so selfish that I expect other people to care about my songs?' etc. etc. I need to kill that voice. Who cares? I play with 3 other acts and I don't think that about them. I might not always love what they write, but I never think that it's a total waste of time. I like the challenge, I like contributing.

Telling myself each day, there is no time but now. Do what I want with this moment. So far giving up the self defeating mentality is working alright. I still think the world sucks, but refuse to be under it's thumb.

Saying Goodbye to Bitterness

I am making a commitment to not be bitter anymore. It is (and always has been) glaringly obvious that I blame my own failures or faults on the problems I see in the world around me. Don't get me wrong, there is alot wrong with the 'music world' including both local and national scenes, but I can no longer be held back by those problems.

I need to get back to the music and away from my anxiety.

I am playing tomorrow. There are 100 things going wrong in our lives right now, not terribly wrong, but wrong enough that the stress level is very high. This is going to be a big show. Hundreds of people will probably attend. In the past my anticipation would have fed my performance. I need to do that now. I'm very excited to be playing some never before heard tunes.

My goal is to be real, and simply do my best.

I've had the realization that my insecurities and over analytical nature have kept me from performing at my full potential. I used to walk out on stage and let it fly. I didn't hold back. All I had was the raw emotion. I didn't care so much about technique, pitch, vocal tone, etc. I was simply venting.

Now I stress about every detail. I stress about the fact that I haven't practiced. I might miss a note or forget a lyric. Unfortunately I do think that the lack of practice time has contributed to my lack of freedom during performances.

I am going to give up some of my old songs for awhile and concentrate on the new. I need fresh inspiration. I can't be singing a song I wrote at 18 and be putting my all into it.

So here's to new material and gutsy performance. Get ready.

One (wo)man's art is another's entertainment

It's the endless debate: is music art or entertainment...or both? Or neither? If yours is simply entertainment does it negate mine as art? Why is so much of music that is art ignored or shunned by society? Why doe people prefer to listen to something that is 'fun' or 'light hearted' or 'a neat story'? I suppose it has it's place, but why do we lump it all together and pit one against the other?

To me it is a bit like comparing crafts to painting. I knit, and even if I'm damn good at it I will never think it is somehow equal to an oil painting carefully crafted by someone who has studied and made art their life's work.

I am always hiding these feelings because it seems to offend everyone I meet. I am labeled an elitist. So wanting to KNOW WHAT I'M DOING and excel at it makes me an elitist? I also want to like what I hear and often times music is not 'fun' for me to listen to because it is flat and predictable. Is this my lack? Sometimes I think it is. How can I hold true to these feelings and thoughts when everywhere I turn I am a told I'm wrong for feeling this way?

I have so much self doubt. I am not lacking 'confidence' and I am not 'jealous' but I am frustrated and have little hope. I like the music I am making, I am for the most part satisfied with my own skills. I have worked very hard at what I love. Now what in the world do I do with it?

Played a show last night. Totally bombed thanks to a sore throat. There were a few good moments, but overall I left feeling pretty disappointed in myself.

The best song was the newest song I played. A song about a friend who died a few years ago after suffering from mental illness and a difficult life. I had thought the song was too strange, too 'out there' for people to get. But before I even finished the last note there was applause. I'm sure part of it was the fact that I put more into this song than the older songs, but something in it was understood.

I'll be playing the same venue again next month. Hopefully I'll be well and can really perform at my best. I have a few more new songs to try out. I think having the next show as a goal will inspire me to work on writing more.

The first law of art is contrast. Tension and release. Tension and release. A breath in and a breath out. Anticipation and culmination. How often do we let ourselves get into changeless emotion? A constant drone. Art is not simply an expression of an emotion, but a look through that emotion to the other side. It is a journey, not only a reflection.

I am just trying to be me.

I have been struggling with hopelessness lately. I feel as though no one cares. No one likes my music, no one is interested.

All I am doing is trying to be me. Be TRULY me. Dig down deep and face myself as I truly am. I am honest, I am hoping that my art convey honesty and creativity. I hope that you can relate to something there. I am trying to be kind in my dealing with people, respectful, modest, true to myself and my art. Why doesn't this work? What do I have to do to get people interested in my music?

I have very little in the way of social skills. I don't deny that. But will you write me off completely because I can't or don't want to fit into some gang or some niche?

I am feeling like motherhood and having a music career are opposite ends of some spectrum, a spectrum I'm not even sure I'm on. If I am searching myself and my life for deeper meaning I feel like I'm denying my children the time and attention they so desperately need. If I give EVERYTHING to my family I am killing myself. I am killing myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I very well might be having a breakdown. I would find my way out if I knew how, but it appears that there is only one path. God knows I try. I am trying, but all I want to be doing is making MUSIC. Writing, creating, expressing, etc. etc. Without that I am not me.

I am forcing myself to play with other people. I am making my children cry by playing music here and there. When I get overwhelmed I sit and write a bit. I write things no one will hear. I give my all to add to someone else's songs. Does anyone even notice that I'm disappearing?