This blog is suffering from the fact that I'm playing and writing music more than I'm writing here. That's a good thing.

When I haven't been sick I've been working on writing quite a bit. I am trying to write songs without thinking TOO much about it. I often worry, 'is this too bland?', 'is this too obvious?', 'is this too obscure sounding?'. I avoid certain chord progressions because it might sound too poppy, or too jazzy, or too SOMETHING. I am tired of worrying. I want to just write what I like and be honest. So that is what I am working on.

I craft the chords and melody until they sound good to ME. I'm sure many of my songs have similar 'vibes' but I think any songwriter deals with this. It's not necessarily a bad thing. These songs are reflections of me, I have no desire to make a well rounded album, only an honest one. I don't want to write the exact same song over and over again, but I don't think I am. Each song is taking it one step farther, one step deeper into myself.

My art will be more pure if I can break through these insecurities. I think.

This winter has been a winter of endless illness. One virus after another has kept me from making as much progress as I would have liked. Still overall, things are going pretty well. I still need more time to write/practice. I have 4 shows booked at this point, and more on the horizon I'm sure.

I am tempted to write a review of a show I went to last week. It was a woman who neither rocked hard nor did anything truly artistic, but the crowd was enraptured by her beauty and quirkiness. But it will inevitably turn into a complaining rant, so I'll just leave you with that teaser.

More to come...

Woe is (not) me.

The show went great. Now I'm onto new material.

Where do I want to go? I really want to rock more. I write ballads, sad songs, etc., but I also want to rock. I want to write something musically intriguing and totally 'groovin'. That is the tricky part, the more stuff you add the less it tends to rock. I have a handful (or more) rock songs I've written in the last 10 years, but most of them are dated. I am ready for something NEW. I have 2-3 songs I am sticking with that need a band. Drums, bass, another guitar possibly....but let's face it, it's SO much easier to practice by myself and perform by myself. The whole process of teaching someone my songs and the little voice in my head constantly saying, 'they probably hate this. Why am I so selfish that I expect other people to care about my songs?' etc. etc. I need to kill that voice. Who cares? I play with 3 other acts and I don't think that about them. I might not always love what they write, but I never think that it's a total waste of time. I like the challenge, I like contributing.

Telling myself each day, there is no time but now. Do what I want with this moment. So far giving up the self defeating mentality is working alright. I still think the world sucks, but refuse to be under it's thumb.

Saying Goodbye to Bitterness

I am making a commitment to not be bitter anymore. It is (and always has been) glaringly obvious that I blame my own failures or faults on the problems I see in the world around me. Don't get me wrong, there is alot wrong with the 'music world' including both local and national scenes, but I can no longer be held back by those problems.

I need to get back to the music and away from my anxiety.

I am playing tomorrow. There are 100 things going wrong in our lives right now, not terribly wrong, but wrong enough that the stress level is very high. This is going to be a big show. Hundreds of people will probably attend. In the past my anticipation would have fed my performance. I need to do that now. I'm very excited to be playing some never before heard tunes.

My goal is to be real, and simply do my best.

I've had the realization that my insecurities and over analytical nature have kept me from performing at my full potential. I used to walk out on stage and let it fly. I didn't hold back. All I had was the raw emotion. I didn't care so much about technique, pitch, vocal tone, etc. I was simply venting.

Now I stress about every detail. I stress about the fact that I haven't practiced. I might miss a note or forget a lyric. Unfortunately I do think that the lack of practice time has contributed to my lack of freedom during performances.

I am going to give up some of my old songs for awhile and concentrate on the new. I need fresh inspiration. I can't be singing a song I wrote at 18 and be putting my all into it.

So here's to new material and gutsy performance. Get ready.

One (wo)man's art is another's entertainment

It's the endless debate: is music art or entertainment...or both? Or neither? If yours is simply entertainment does it negate mine as art? Why is so much of music that is art ignored or shunned by society? Why doe people prefer to listen to something that is 'fun' or 'light hearted' or 'a neat story'? I suppose it has it's place, but why do we lump it all together and pit one against the other?

To me it is a bit like comparing crafts to painting. I knit, and even if I'm damn good at it I will never think it is somehow equal to an oil painting carefully crafted by someone who has studied and made art their life's work.

I am always hiding these feelings because it seems to offend everyone I meet. I am labeled an elitist. So wanting to KNOW WHAT I'M DOING and excel at it makes me an elitist? I also want to like what I hear and often times music is not 'fun' for me to listen to because it is flat and predictable. Is this my lack? Sometimes I think it is. How can I hold true to these feelings and thoughts when everywhere I turn I am a told I'm wrong for feeling this way?

I have so much self doubt. I am not lacking 'confidence' and I am not 'jealous' but I am frustrated and have little hope. I like the music I am making, I am for the most part satisfied with my own skills. I have worked very hard at what I love. Now what in the world do I do with it?