The first law of art is contrast. Tension and release. Tension and release. A breath in and a breath out. Anticipation and culmination. How often do we let ourselves get into changeless emotion? A constant drone. Art is not simply an expression of an emotion, but a look through that emotion to the other side. It is a journey, not only a reflection.

I am just trying to be me.

I have been struggling with hopelessness lately. I feel as though no one cares. No one likes my music, no one is interested.

All I am doing is trying to be me. Be TRULY me. Dig down deep and face myself as I truly am. I am honest, I am hoping that my art convey honesty and creativity. I hope that you can relate to something there. I am trying to be kind in my dealing with people, respectful, modest, true to myself and my art. Why doesn't this work? What do I have to do to get people interested in my music?

I have very little in the way of social skills. I don't deny that. But will you write me off completely because I can't or don't want to fit into some gang or some niche?

I am feeling like motherhood and having a music career are opposite ends of some spectrum, a spectrum I'm not even sure I'm on. If I am searching myself and my life for deeper meaning I feel like I'm denying my children the time and attention they so desperately need. If I give EVERYTHING to my family I am killing myself. I am killing myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I very well might be having a breakdown. I would find my way out if I knew how, but it appears that there is only one path. God knows I try. I am trying, but all I want to be doing is making MUSIC. Writing, creating, expressing, etc. etc. Without that I am not me.

I am forcing myself to play with other people. I am making my children cry by playing music here and there. When I get overwhelmed I sit and write a bit. I write things no one will hear. I give my all to add to someone else's songs. Does anyone even notice that I'm disappearing?