I have been struggling with hopelessness lately. I feel as though no one cares. No one likes my music, no one is interested.
All I am doing is trying to be me. Be TRULY me. Dig down deep and face myself as I truly am. I am honest, I am hoping that my art convey honesty and creativity. I hope that you can relate to something there. I am trying to be kind in my dealing with people, respectful, modest, true to myself and my art. Why doesn't this work? What do I have to do to get people interested in my music?
I have very little in the way of social skills. I don't deny that. But will you write me off completely because I can't or don't want to fit into some gang or some niche?
I am feeling like motherhood and having a music career are opposite ends of some spectrum, a spectrum I'm not even sure I'm on. If I am searching myself and my life for deeper meaning I feel like I'm denying my children the time and attention they so desperately need. If I give EVERYTHING to my family I am killing myself. I am killing myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I very well might be having a breakdown. I would find my way out if I knew how, but it appears that there is only one path. God knows I try. I am trying, but all I want to be doing is making MUSIC. Writing, creating, expressing, etc. etc. Without that I am not me.
I am forcing myself to play with other people. I am making my children cry by playing music here and there. When I get overwhelmed I sit and write a bit. I write things no one will hear. I give my all to add to someone else's songs. Does anyone even notice that I'm disappearing?
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Creation is hard, but getting people interested is - I can't say it's harder, because "hard" doesn't apply to something completely out of your control. There's nothing you can do but put yourself out there. Their reaction is out of your hands.
ReplyDeleteYou got have to believe your music is worth it for its own sake - even if you aren't getting the response or external validation you would want, the music itself is worth it! I've only heard a small handful of your songs. Your voice sounds beautiful with just the spare acoustic guitar accompaniment. As a songwriter you have a unique voice.
Just give your all, keep giving your all. The more you give your all...your all grows.
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but it seems to me that completely loosing oneself, or who one thinks is one's self, can lead to truly finding one's genuine self in the end, with patience. Creativity seems to be nurtured by one's genuine and real experiences and self-developments etc., so giving one's self in love to one's family is certainly "real" and genuine and needn't be opposed to creativity. Sometimes, who we think we really are isn't quite on the mark and is possibly a preconception or a who-we-wish-we-were. But if we can let all that go, God shows us the real-real self? Don't despair. Pray without ceasing. Die daily.
ReplyDeleteForgive my presumption,
Hope to see you all some time soon. Peace!
Patty
The problem is that I HAVE been working to be selfless, give all to my family, follow God's lead and not live by my own agenda. But after all of this I feel like a slave. I feel like my heart and mind and all my prayerful thoughts are leading me to a place I can't go. It is very confusing. I am a selfish mother and an incomplete artist.
ReplyDeleteIf I were going back to school to get a better paying job in a viable (ie. money making) field would there be such a cost? Such a double standard? Is anyone telling my husband his desires are selfish? Isn't his schooling and career self serving as well as for his family? A satisfied father is a better father. A mother who gives up herself is a better mother. I don't get it. Why can't I be both? Is there a point where too much is asked of me?