Is it wrong to be an idealist when it comes to art? Isn't that what it's all about?

I have been wanting to perform SO badly lately. I've had a few opportunities to play for friends, at parties, etc. but in those situations I feel so exposed. For me to play the way I REALLY play I need some space between myself and the audience. Performing is like being completely and utterly open. I am revealing my highest highs and my lowest lows. This is ME. And that is precisely what makes it so hard. I can't talk to you about it and really get my point across, I can't even explain it here in words...only in the moment, through the feeling.

When I am not performing I feel like I'm not myself. The past 5 years I haven't been myself. I've been walking around in someone else's body living someone else's life. Mean while there is the constant movement of music in my mind.

I'm determined to be me again.

An Actual Blog About Songwriting

(please forgive the random asterisks and paragraphs...I hate computers.)
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*Instead of wallowing in my own self doubt I thought I'd actually write about songwriting.

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*How do you write a song? Where does it come from? What is the process?
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When I was a teenager songs seemed to flow out of me endlessly. Some of them weren't half bad, but most of them were like me at the time: immature, idealistic, YOUNG. Songwriting now is hard work. I must work harder to find that place where songs are born. I am not sure it is within me, but it feels like it comes from somewhere else, almost out of thin air. The good ones anyway.
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*My process varies. I generally start with some chords that I like. I've mentioned before that I write songs in pairs. I usually have a key that I'm stuck in, then I start with a few chords that are new to me. Something that catches my attention. From there I work on the rhythm and chords. I like to create the 'vibe' before I add the lyrics/melody. Here is where the process changes from song to song. Some melodies are thoughtfully crafted using a specific tool to get a specific sound, others are created (found) more through improvisation. Often times the lyrics and melody come together. The first verse is always easiest, then finishing the lyrics/adding additional arrangements (bridge/chorus) comes last.
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*That is where I am currently stuck on the 2 songs I've been working on. I need TIME to work on them, and that is something I simply don't have. I need time and space, darkness, silence. I cannot schedule these things. You cannot say to a painter, "All right, go paint a masterpiece between 10 and 1 while the baby naps!". Art needs freedom.
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*I will end with a quote I read recently in 'Piano Playing with Piano Questions' by Josef Hoffman. The quote is actually from Goethe: "Outwardly limited, Boundless to inward."
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Perspective (or lack thereof)

I fight so hard to NOT be all or nothing. To not judge myself by some completely unrealistic standard...but I fail miserably. Occasionally I look around and think, "man, if that person at that skill level has attained some success, why can't I?". But then I remember that 'the game' is not about skill or talent, but about fashion and willingness to sell one's self down the river. That is something I can not do.


Why do I care so much? Why am I so insecure outwardly? It seems to contradict the spirit inside of me. Who's approval am I seeking? My own? Why do I feel I have to be THE BEST and not just the best I can be?

Rhetorical questions of course. Now off to read, for some inspiration.

Frustrated

Just static. Looking around and wondering, 'what's the point?'.