Is it wrong to be an idealist when it comes to art? Isn't that what it's all about?
I have been wanting to perform SO badly lately. I've had a few opportunities to play for friends, at parties, etc. but in those situations I feel so exposed. For me to play the way I REALLY play I need some space between myself and the audience. Performing is like being completely and utterly open. I am revealing my highest highs and my lowest lows. This is ME. And that is precisely what makes it so hard. I can't talk to you about it and really get my point across, I can't even explain it here in words...only in the moment, through the feeling.
When I am not performing I feel like I'm not myself. The past 5 years I haven't been myself. I've been walking around in someone else's body living someone else's life. Mean while there is the constant movement of music in my mind.
I'm determined to be me again.
Do be you, again.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's wrong to be an idealist ever, per se. If there is something wrong with the ideal, that can be a problem - but it seems more a problem with the ideal, than with being an idealist. An idealist with an examined life and strong ideals that have been put to scrutiny and come through clean, well heck - stick to your guns! Sure.
Do you perform when you practice? Can you perform alone, in solitude communing with the music? I often wonder myself, in performance, just where the truest charge lies: in the music, in me? Or in the distance between me and the people there, the distances that needs to be bridged.