Saying Goodbye to Bitterness

I am making a commitment to not be bitter anymore. It is (and always has been) glaringly obvious that I blame my own failures or faults on the problems I see in the world around me. Don't get me wrong, there is alot wrong with the 'music world' including both local and national scenes, but I can no longer be held back by those problems.

I need to get back to the music and away from my anxiety.

I am playing tomorrow. There are 100 things going wrong in our lives right now, not terribly wrong, but wrong enough that the stress level is very high. This is going to be a big show. Hundreds of people will probably attend. In the past my anticipation would have fed my performance. I need to do that now. I'm very excited to be playing some never before heard tunes.

My goal is to be real, and simply do my best.

I've had the realization that my insecurities and over analytical nature have kept me from performing at my full potential. I used to walk out on stage and let it fly. I didn't hold back. All I had was the raw emotion. I didn't care so much about technique, pitch, vocal tone, etc. I was simply venting.

Now I stress about every detail. I stress about the fact that I haven't practiced. I might miss a note or forget a lyric. Unfortunately I do think that the lack of practice time has contributed to my lack of freedom during performances.

I am going to give up some of my old songs for awhile and concentrate on the new. I need fresh inspiration. I can't be singing a song I wrote at 18 and be putting my all into it.

So here's to new material and gutsy performance. Get ready.

One (wo)man's art is another's entertainment

It's the endless debate: is music art or entertainment...or both? Or neither? If yours is simply entertainment does it negate mine as art? Why is so much of music that is art ignored or shunned by society? Why doe people prefer to listen to something that is 'fun' or 'light hearted' or 'a neat story'? I suppose it has it's place, but why do we lump it all together and pit one against the other?

To me it is a bit like comparing crafts to painting. I knit, and even if I'm damn good at it I will never think it is somehow equal to an oil painting carefully crafted by someone who has studied and made art their life's work.

I am always hiding these feelings because it seems to offend everyone I meet. I am labeled an elitist. So wanting to KNOW WHAT I'M DOING and excel at it makes me an elitist? I also want to like what I hear and often times music is not 'fun' for me to listen to because it is flat and predictable. Is this my lack? Sometimes I think it is. How can I hold true to these feelings and thoughts when everywhere I turn I am a told I'm wrong for feeling this way?

I have so much self doubt. I am not lacking 'confidence' and I am not 'jealous' but I am frustrated and have little hope. I like the music I am making, I am for the most part satisfied with my own skills. I have worked very hard at what I love. Now what in the world do I do with it?

Played a show last night. Totally bombed thanks to a sore throat. There were a few good moments, but overall I left feeling pretty disappointed in myself.

The best song was the newest song I played. A song about a friend who died a few years ago after suffering from mental illness and a difficult life. I had thought the song was too strange, too 'out there' for people to get. But before I even finished the last note there was applause. I'm sure part of it was the fact that I put more into this song than the older songs, but something in it was understood.

I'll be playing the same venue again next month. Hopefully I'll be well and can really perform at my best. I have a few more new songs to try out. I think having the next show as a goal will inspire me to work on writing more.