Dueling Banjo's

My whole life I have struggled with which instrument I should predominantly play. I started on violin and still love it, but let's face it, you've never really seen a great singer-songwriter singing along with his or her violin. My mom taught me basic piano as a child and we had a child size guitar that we beat up. At 11 or 12 I began getting interested in both. I love the versatility and portability of guitar, but I am no where near as good as I need to be to really play guitar. As with the violin I've felt like I reach a certain point that I can't get past. I'm pretty good, but not great. Piano came along and I fell in love. I can see how the chords work together, I can feel with my hand the different shapes that create the sound I'm looking for. I still feel like there is so much I can learn, but I feel like it's within my ability.

I get personal enjoyment and satisfaction from playing multiple instruments, but on the other hand there is the disappointment at not being a virtuoso at any of them.

Yesterday I got out my violin and played for an hour or two (while children ran around my feet breaking stuff and crying) and it was absolutely awesome. In the end though, I felt guilty that I just spent hours doing something that leads me nowhere. I get so much from it emotionally, but that's it. My house is still messy and my bank account is still empty. Again, it's the endless struggle of gaining a normal life and losing myself in the meantime. If I appear put together it's only because I have sold myself down the river to be 'normal'.

I'm not sure where this post was supposed to go. It is what it is.

Social scenes/Networking

I have basically given up any hope of having a successful performing career. Any attempt to 'get gigs/shows' has only resulted in my recoiling from the pressure of the scene. I don't mind meeting people or making friends. I DO mind the fact that that is ALL that music has become, or maybe ever was to most people. I am not intending to sound like some elitist that assumes I am better than others and don't 'need' them, but I don't believe the two are inherently linked.

In history think back to great artists. Many of them were antisocial and saw no recognition in their own time. Many of them died lonely and despondent. I neither think of myself as such an artist, nor do I want that future (or lack thereof) for myself. I desire satisfaction of some kind. At the same time I am afraid that satisfaction in life squanders the passion that fuels art. Maybe I really am a self saboteur, as I've been called. There is no winning. Of course there isn't!

Is it practical to spend the majority of your time and energy 'networking' (read:partying)? I would much rather sit at home alone playing and writing music, then on a semi-regular basis performing that music for people who appreciate it. Not for people who only appreciate fashion and live their lives in worship of the 'underground'. I always joke, 'Hey, I'm as underground as it gets!'.

I admit this is mostly a bitch fest. I work hard on my music and put a lot of thought into it. I just want it to be appreciated or at least noticed. Then again, I'd have to 'put myself out there' and succumb to the social networking black hole where no one wins and everyone is the next best thing...for 5 minutes. I just know it's not in me, and it never will be.

"on a beautiful day, in the finest of ways,
the most perfect dream can fail me.
and all my ideals
spill.

it's hopeless it seems, to bust at the seams
to build all your dreams
just to burn them.
when I haven't the smile
or strength to upload these lies.
it proves to me
exactly what I should be.

an unfinished ghost, who conquered the most
and undid the failures of lesser ghosts
he visited me, he answered my plea
he said "if anything's free, it's endeavor.
just don't forget the damages you'll inflict.
so shield your eyes
from the stars
the money
the guise."

Another link for my own sake.

I seem to write songs in groups of two. Two variations of a similar theme musically. I usually end up performing one and leaving the other to be played only when I remember it. They are usually in the same key and have the same general 'vibe'. It's like I write one to help me rework the real one. Like one is a song of ideas to be used to build the other. Something like that anyway...

Lately I have been revisiting some old jazz standards and learning new ones. I am planning on writing an intro to a song that is based on the same type of melody and chord movements as the intro to songs such as 'After You've Gone' or 'I'll See You In My Dreams'. These are great little intros with interesting melodies and melancholy but hopeful words, the kind of stuff I love! The difficult part will be putting my own spin on it. I think I have yet to use a melody that goes up to the 9th tone (ie: the E note while playing a D chord) and holds it there before moving on. It seems like such a simple thing, but it creates a certain mood that I would love to capture. These melodies always span from low to high or high to low, using more unconventional intervals. I think it is something that has been completely lost in present day songwriting, at least in songwriting that is mainstream. A theme I would like to visit is how love is not this magical true love that falls in your lap so to speak, but how REAL LOVE is learning to love. It is enduring and forgiving. I have written songs about guilt, betrayal, lying to ones self, the initial spark of love, but not love that stands the test of time. You don't hear those songs anymore! I love a sad break up song as much as the next person, but the more time that passes, the less I relate to them.

I need to learn more about the different modes. I think I understand the concepts and use them, but couldn't necessarily tell you when or how. That is my new goal. I'm sure a couple of songs would come out of it.

Here's a link for fun.

Humility

Can you be truly humble and have any success in art? I doubt it. I have believed my whole life that humility is the road to a fulfilled life, but I have since found that it is not the road to success. So success must not be fulfilling, right? What is success? Success in your eyes or someone else's?

Does songwriting mean that you must be ego centric? In a sense I think it does. You must be self curious, but not self absorbed. I want to know myself better. I want to truly be who I am meant to be. But can I search for myself and separate that from searching for success? Is it all vain glory?

If I am humble I don't get myself shows. If I am humble no one listens. If I am proud I am 'too sure' and selfish. If I were a man my shyness would be sexy and my toughness respected. As it is I am left here questioning why I do anything.

I am a willow tree bending to the ground.
The ground crumbles.
My roots groan with desire.
First they go, then the branches and leaves,
followed by a silent tumble of ash.
If only the wind would blow
and set me free.

This morning as I was driving home from somewhere I was thinking about what is truly revealed through art. Is it a deeper truth? Or is it simply a way for us to convince ourselves (and others) that we ARE our ideals? I was thinking about the movie Paris Blues. In the movie characters fall in love at the drop of a hat. They are tumultuously trying to decide if they want love, aka:settling down, or art. The woman wants the man, the man wants his music, etc. etc. There were many things that didn't jive for me in this movie. First of all, is this really someones artistic representation of life? Is this their reality or their fantasy? If it is only fantasy is it truly art? Is it truly exposing something more about life we previously didn't know? To me it was just hollywood's attempt at cashing in on the jazz scene, and throwing some sloppy love stories in 'for the ladies'. But maybe they thought they were making a masterpiece.

In my songwriting am I writing my perceived truths or my selfish ideals? I wholeheartedly accept that my version of things is just that, my version of things. But I do believe I am using art as a means to find out more about what's going on in my life. It is the means, not the goal.

I have eeked out a few minutes here and there to work on music. Unfortunately, my 'music muscles' are out of shape and it took me 30 minutes just to warm up. I have some half finished songs, but what I think I need to do is start fresh. New songs for new times. It is almost impossible for me to believe, but the most recent song I've started is a song about hope, about believing in myself. Let's see where it takes me.

Here I am blogging about songwriting instead of actually writing songs.

I'm starting a blog. I have so many unspoken thoughts and feelings regarding what I think of as art, my art. I never talk with anyone about these things. I always feel stuck in this in between place. Stuck between puritan classicalists (is that a word), indie 'rockers', jazz cats, or anyone that enjoys fitting into their chosen genre. I am not a classical pianist/violinist/singer, although I do those things. I am not a jazz vocalist/guitar/piano soloist, although I do those things. I think of myself as predominantly a songwriter. A songwriter who sees her songs like paintings. Like conversations I can never quite muster up the guts to have. I write these songs to tell you how I really feel, or to help myself discover the deeper meaning behind things. Let's face it, I have no idea what's going on in life. I write a song and suddenly see my own faults, others compassion, etc. Some songs are like purging. I say those things I had been thinking, then I'm over it. The hard part is that the song is still there, but I might not see it the same way anymore.

I'm sure I will explore much more about songwriting and making music, and especially how motherhood comes into play. So far it seems like it's basically undone my artistic side, basically undone me. I hope I can bring myself back, or maybe find a new and improved self. We'll see.