The first law of art is contrast. Tension and release. Tension and release. A breath in and a breath out. Anticipation and culmination. How often do we let ourselves get into changeless emotion? A constant drone. Art is not simply an expression of an emotion, but a look through that emotion to the other side. It is a journey, not only a reflection.

I am just trying to be me.

I have been struggling with hopelessness lately. I feel as though no one cares. No one likes my music, no one is interested.

All I am doing is trying to be me. Be TRULY me. Dig down deep and face myself as I truly am. I am honest, I am hoping that my art convey honesty and creativity. I hope that you can relate to something there. I am trying to be kind in my dealing with people, respectful, modest, true to myself and my art. Why doesn't this work? What do I have to do to get people interested in my music?

I have very little in the way of social skills. I don't deny that. But will you write me off completely because I can't or don't want to fit into some gang or some niche?

I am feeling like motherhood and having a music career are opposite ends of some spectrum, a spectrum I'm not even sure I'm on. If I am searching myself and my life for deeper meaning I feel like I'm denying my children the time and attention they so desperately need. If I give EVERYTHING to my family I am killing myself. I am killing myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I very well might be having a breakdown. I would find my way out if I knew how, but it appears that there is only one path. God knows I try. I am trying, but all I want to be doing is making MUSIC. Writing, creating, expressing, etc. etc. Without that I am not me.

I am forcing myself to play with other people. I am making my children cry by playing music here and there. When I get overwhelmed I sit and write a bit. I write things no one will hear. I give my all to add to someone else's songs. Does anyone even notice that I'm disappearing?

Just wrote the bulk of a new song. I really need to start performing on piano AND guitar. I have so many songs I really love on piano, but dread lugging that keyboard around. It's probably worth it though.

Is feeling a smidgen of inspiration. Writing the final part to a newer song. Being reminded of the power of the 4 minor chord at the right place and the right time.

If only the lyrics would be so easy....

Barren Wasteland

I don't have much to say. I haven't written anything in weeks. I am dissatisfied with everything I come up with. It all sounds predictable. Or boring. I want to branch out. I want to express the depth of my feelings, but even those feelings are compromised by a life of endless monotony.

On the other hand, I am terrified of passion's potential. I also terrified of being delusional with self importance.

I feel as though I'm falling through the cracks.

This is depressing drivel.

My mind is constantly filled with songs. "Time After Time", "I'll See You in My Dreams", "After You've Gone", "Black Crow", and more and more and more.

I am currently playing with a new band that is writing songs as we go along. For the most part we fine tune songs that the guitar player/vocalist writes, but it is very collaborative. Songs change quite a bit through the process.

I am trying to hold to his vision for the music, which isn't hard because I generally like what he's bringing to the table. It is a new method for me though. I have spent so many years (since I started writing my own music at 12) being secluded from the rest of the world as I put together ideas. I think the process of filtering ideas through 4 people's heads has it's ups and downs. I see the many avenues the songs can take. I think the songs can lose their purity, so to speak, but they gain a new quality (communal energy?) that can only be found through collaboration.

For now I see it as a great opportunity for personal growth. I am exercising many muscles: my ear as I pick up what I hear, and my mind as I think about what my part should sound like to compliment the other parts, the notes, the beats, etc.

In addition to all this, it's a weight off my shoulders. I am not solely responsible for carrying the songs. These are not my lyrics, this is not MY soul being exposed. These are not MY ideas to be critiqued.

So far it's turning out to be a great experience. Now, if I can only find time for my Beatles cover band, accompanying an Irish American folk singer, and last but NOT least my own music...

Just got out of a great band practice with the band I play bass with. Playing someone else's music for a change is great. It does remind me of the many ideas floating around in my head though.

Goal #1: get myself a show.

Fortunately having children has wiped away any delusions of grandeur. I am what I am. I want no fame, just a willing audience that can be transported to the same magical place I go to when I play. If I go will you follow me? Without judgement?

I keep sitting down to write something here, trying to resurrect this blog, but nothing comes. I am trying to move away from the 'this is a poor excuse for therapy' vibe and actually write about SONG WRITING.

Unfortunately I have had next to no time for my own music lately. I have committed to 3 other bands/artists, 2 of which practice once a week. In addition to the lack of time, the time I do spend working on music is like pulling teeth. My children climb on my back and cry at my feet. Why?? Their Papa can sit on the computer for 2 hours with a few minor interruptions here and there, but not me. Any moment devoted to something other than them is simply not allowed. That is, any of MY moments.

Then comes the guilt. I feel guilty. I must be neglecting my children if they feel so desperate for my attention. Then I flip back and think, am I no one? Do I count for nothing? Why should I feel guilt when any working parent (particularly fathers) is gone from the house 40 hours a week? This is what I DO. To me, this is my 'career'. Why isn't it valued? Why do I have to fight for 30 minutes of music?

Again I've failed at writing about songwriting, but I have nothing new to say. I can't even finish this blog as a baby is screaming and pulling on my clothes.

I am terrified of losing my anonymity. I like hiding in this place where I am free from judgement. How do I reconcile my desire to perform with my inability to be in front of the lense. I resort to awkwardness and out of place jokes. I'm sorry, I'm actually very passionate and serious about my art, but (from past experience) I am afraid to let that show.

Can't I just hide behind the sound?

Is it wrong to be an idealist when it comes to art? Isn't that what it's all about?

I have been wanting to perform SO badly lately. I've had a few opportunities to play for friends, at parties, etc. but in those situations I feel so exposed. For me to play the way I REALLY play I need some space between myself and the audience. Performing is like being completely and utterly open. I am revealing my highest highs and my lowest lows. This is ME. And that is precisely what makes it so hard. I can't talk to you about it and really get my point across, I can't even explain it here in words...only in the moment, through the feeling.

When I am not performing I feel like I'm not myself. The past 5 years I haven't been myself. I've been walking around in someone else's body living someone else's life. Mean while there is the constant movement of music in my mind.

I'm determined to be me again.

An Actual Blog About Songwriting

(please forgive the random asterisks and paragraphs...I hate computers.)
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*Instead of wallowing in my own self doubt I thought I'd actually write about songwriting.

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*How do you write a song? Where does it come from? What is the process?
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When I was a teenager songs seemed to flow out of me endlessly. Some of them weren't half bad, but most of them were like me at the time: immature, idealistic, YOUNG. Songwriting now is hard work. I must work harder to find that place where songs are born. I am not sure it is within me, but it feels like it comes from somewhere else, almost out of thin air. The good ones anyway.
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*My process varies. I generally start with some chords that I like. I've mentioned before that I write songs in pairs. I usually have a key that I'm stuck in, then I start with a few chords that are new to me. Something that catches my attention. From there I work on the rhythm and chords. I like to create the 'vibe' before I add the lyrics/melody. Here is where the process changes from song to song. Some melodies are thoughtfully crafted using a specific tool to get a specific sound, others are created (found) more through improvisation. Often times the lyrics and melody come together. The first verse is always easiest, then finishing the lyrics/adding additional arrangements (bridge/chorus) comes last.
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*That is where I am currently stuck on the 2 songs I've been working on. I need TIME to work on them, and that is something I simply don't have. I need time and space, darkness, silence. I cannot schedule these things. You cannot say to a painter, "All right, go paint a masterpiece between 10 and 1 while the baby naps!". Art needs freedom.
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*I will end with a quote I read recently in 'Piano Playing with Piano Questions' by Josef Hoffman. The quote is actually from Goethe: "Outwardly limited, Boundless to inward."
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Perspective (or lack thereof)

I fight so hard to NOT be all or nothing. To not judge myself by some completely unrealistic standard...but I fail miserably. Occasionally I look around and think, "man, if that person at that skill level has attained some success, why can't I?". But then I remember that 'the game' is not about skill or talent, but about fashion and willingness to sell one's self down the river. That is something I can not do.


Why do I care so much? Why am I so insecure outwardly? It seems to contradict the spirit inside of me. Who's approval am I seeking? My own? Why do I feel I have to be THE BEST and not just the best I can be?

Rhetorical questions of course. Now off to read, for some inspiration.

Frustrated

Just static. Looking around and wondering, 'what's the point?'.

Outside influence

I have taken a break from songwriting recently. We (my husband and I) have been working on some cover songs with a friend on drums. Our sole purpose is to play the drummer's wife's birthday party in August, but I think we might consider playing a local venue for fun.

It's always amazing to me that I can work on a cover, particularly if it's one I never imagined doing, and get so much out of it. I never bothered learning certain songs because they only have 3 or 4 chords and are over played, but as I'm learning them I come across new voicings, new rhythms, etc. Things I had never thought of before. I might never play these songs again, but I know they are being retained in the musical part of my brain and will manifest themselves when I am working on something new. I think being narrow minded (only listening to one style of music) will keep you from pushing forward, keep you from opening up your creative world.

It's also a reminder that some songs were huge hits for a reason. How many times have we all heard "That'll Be the Day" by Buddy Holly? But you learn it and try playing it at the same tempo with the same feel/energy! True, it might not be a concerto or symphony, but there is something real there.

I'm hoping that when I get back to my songs I will have some fresh ideas. I am itching to perform so badly. I just have to force myself to make it happen.

Song Obsession

'real love' -john lennon

I've been obsessed with this song lately. So simple and yet so beautiful. It sucks me in and I can't get it out of my head.

Have a new song 3/4 of the way finished. Needs some more lyrics and arranging. The other song is stuck in limbo as often happens. It's funny because I thought it was the one that would stand out. They take on a life of their own and surprise you sometimes.

I am reminded this week that songwriting requires my 'songwriting muscles' to be in shape. I need a good 2 hours to practice, run through old songs, then start the pieces of the new songs. I have been writing 2 new songs (in true Rachel fashion) that could mesh together. But the more I add to each the more they take on a life of their own. One is a song I started a year or so ago that never really went anywhere. The other is newer, based on similar chord structure, but a very different subject and ultimately a different sound.

My more recent songs are an attempt at creating something that sounds deceptively simple, but has depth or detail that keeps you hanging on. Something that is smooth and easy to listen to, but has unexpected turns that keep you on edge. It is a fine line. Simplicity can be beautiful, but it can also be boring (redundant, bland, trite, etc. etc.) But look at Ode to Joy. Everyone knows that melody. Think of the scene in Immortal Beloved when Ode to Joy is playing at the end. I cry every time! So simple, yet so deep. That comes from a deeper place.

Lyrics are hard to come by these days, but I am hopeful. They always seem to drop out the air when I least expect them. Usually when I have been playing a song and getting into what I think of as the "runner's high". That place where endorphins kick in and your are just floating in that creative place. Hard to do with children, housework, part time work....but I'm trying to make time.

You can now be my fan on facebook. How self indulgent is that? My husband says it's just marketing, but I feel bad about it....I forget that no one values humility anymore. So in an attempt to be more confident - be my facebook fan!

Was doing some songwriting today. Was reminded of this blog.

I'll write here again soon.

The dreaded 'WALL'

I always tell my students to expect to hit a wall that they will have to work work to break through. Often times they progress quickly in the beginning, then they hit some more advanced rhythm and bam! they're stuck. They can't play the song with the same amount of effort that the previous songs required. They must push themselves to a new level, connect new parts of their brain that have never connected before. After you break through the wall the new technique you learned seems simple and you wonder what made it so hard.

I feel like musicianship and songwriting is full of these walls. I have broken through most of them with the passion of youth. I didn't have to work so hard to get through as I do now. Now I hit a wall and get what I call writer's block. I have written songs using my new skills, pushed myself, now what? I have no desire to just write the same song with new words or slightly varied chords. I hear SO MANY SONGS and I think, that sounds like 1,000 songs I've heard before. I want my songs to musically lead your ear (and heart, and maybe mind) to a new place. I want you to be surprised by what comes next, but not bothered by it. I want it to feel familiar or identifiable, but not redundant.

I am now brushing up my chord knowledge and improvisation skills. I used to feel like my instinct was enough, but through the years I've realized it isn't. There are more avenues I haven't been down. I don't utilize augmented chords. I don't know what mode of scale goes best over what chord. I have stumbled upon these things and developed some good habits (and I'm sure some not so good ones) but I believe that to push deeper into songwriting as art I need to have a good, or better yet great, grasp of it's foundations.

Basically I've hit a wall that is bigger than any I've come across before. I feel like I don't really have the time to work through it. That depresses me. I feel like I am either on the precipice of artistic death or the edge of an ocean of artistic discovery. Do I have the power to choose?

I am also constantly frustrated with the limits of my voice. That deserves it's own blog. I can't really change it, but I think I can learn to bring out it's good qualities. Or learn to live it.

Dueling Banjo's

My whole life I have struggled with which instrument I should predominantly play. I started on violin and still love it, but let's face it, you've never really seen a great singer-songwriter singing along with his or her violin. My mom taught me basic piano as a child and we had a child size guitar that we beat up. At 11 or 12 I began getting interested in both. I love the versatility and portability of guitar, but I am no where near as good as I need to be to really play guitar. As with the violin I've felt like I reach a certain point that I can't get past. I'm pretty good, but not great. Piano came along and I fell in love. I can see how the chords work together, I can feel with my hand the different shapes that create the sound I'm looking for. I still feel like there is so much I can learn, but I feel like it's within my ability.

I get personal enjoyment and satisfaction from playing multiple instruments, but on the other hand there is the disappointment at not being a virtuoso at any of them.

Yesterday I got out my violin and played for an hour or two (while children ran around my feet breaking stuff and crying) and it was absolutely awesome. In the end though, I felt guilty that I just spent hours doing something that leads me nowhere. I get so much from it emotionally, but that's it. My house is still messy and my bank account is still empty. Again, it's the endless struggle of gaining a normal life and losing myself in the meantime. If I appear put together it's only because I have sold myself down the river to be 'normal'.

I'm not sure where this post was supposed to go. It is what it is.

Social scenes/Networking

I have basically given up any hope of having a successful performing career. Any attempt to 'get gigs/shows' has only resulted in my recoiling from the pressure of the scene. I don't mind meeting people or making friends. I DO mind the fact that that is ALL that music has become, or maybe ever was to most people. I am not intending to sound like some elitist that assumes I am better than others and don't 'need' them, but I don't believe the two are inherently linked.

In history think back to great artists. Many of them were antisocial and saw no recognition in their own time. Many of them died lonely and despondent. I neither think of myself as such an artist, nor do I want that future (or lack thereof) for myself. I desire satisfaction of some kind. At the same time I am afraid that satisfaction in life squanders the passion that fuels art. Maybe I really am a self saboteur, as I've been called. There is no winning. Of course there isn't!

Is it practical to spend the majority of your time and energy 'networking' (read:partying)? I would much rather sit at home alone playing and writing music, then on a semi-regular basis performing that music for people who appreciate it. Not for people who only appreciate fashion and live their lives in worship of the 'underground'. I always joke, 'Hey, I'm as underground as it gets!'.

I admit this is mostly a bitch fest. I work hard on my music and put a lot of thought into it. I just want it to be appreciated or at least noticed. Then again, I'd have to 'put myself out there' and succumb to the social networking black hole where no one wins and everyone is the next best thing...for 5 minutes. I just know it's not in me, and it never will be.

"on a beautiful day, in the finest of ways,
the most perfect dream can fail me.
and all my ideals
spill.

it's hopeless it seems, to bust at the seams
to build all your dreams
just to burn them.
when I haven't the smile
or strength to upload these lies.
it proves to me
exactly what I should be.

an unfinished ghost, who conquered the most
and undid the failures of lesser ghosts
he visited me, he answered my plea
he said "if anything's free, it's endeavor.
just don't forget the damages you'll inflict.
so shield your eyes
from the stars
the money
the guise."

Another link for my own sake.

I seem to write songs in groups of two. Two variations of a similar theme musically. I usually end up performing one and leaving the other to be played only when I remember it. They are usually in the same key and have the same general 'vibe'. It's like I write one to help me rework the real one. Like one is a song of ideas to be used to build the other. Something like that anyway...

Lately I have been revisiting some old jazz standards and learning new ones. I am planning on writing an intro to a song that is based on the same type of melody and chord movements as the intro to songs such as 'After You've Gone' or 'I'll See You In My Dreams'. These are great little intros with interesting melodies and melancholy but hopeful words, the kind of stuff I love! The difficult part will be putting my own spin on it. I think I have yet to use a melody that goes up to the 9th tone (ie: the E note while playing a D chord) and holds it there before moving on. It seems like such a simple thing, but it creates a certain mood that I would love to capture. These melodies always span from low to high or high to low, using more unconventional intervals. I think it is something that has been completely lost in present day songwriting, at least in songwriting that is mainstream. A theme I would like to visit is how love is not this magical true love that falls in your lap so to speak, but how REAL LOVE is learning to love. It is enduring and forgiving. I have written songs about guilt, betrayal, lying to ones self, the initial spark of love, but not love that stands the test of time. You don't hear those songs anymore! I love a sad break up song as much as the next person, but the more time that passes, the less I relate to them.

I need to learn more about the different modes. I think I understand the concepts and use them, but couldn't necessarily tell you when or how. That is my new goal. I'm sure a couple of songs would come out of it.

Here's a link for fun.

Humility

Can you be truly humble and have any success in art? I doubt it. I have believed my whole life that humility is the road to a fulfilled life, but I have since found that it is not the road to success. So success must not be fulfilling, right? What is success? Success in your eyes or someone else's?

Does songwriting mean that you must be ego centric? In a sense I think it does. You must be self curious, but not self absorbed. I want to know myself better. I want to truly be who I am meant to be. But can I search for myself and separate that from searching for success? Is it all vain glory?

If I am humble I don't get myself shows. If I am humble no one listens. If I am proud I am 'too sure' and selfish. If I were a man my shyness would be sexy and my toughness respected. As it is I am left here questioning why I do anything.

I am a willow tree bending to the ground.
The ground crumbles.
My roots groan with desire.
First they go, then the branches and leaves,
followed by a silent tumble of ash.
If only the wind would blow
and set me free.

This morning as I was driving home from somewhere I was thinking about what is truly revealed through art. Is it a deeper truth? Or is it simply a way for us to convince ourselves (and others) that we ARE our ideals? I was thinking about the movie Paris Blues. In the movie characters fall in love at the drop of a hat. They are tumultuously trying to decide if they want love, aka:settling down, or art. The woman wants the man, the man wants his music, etc. etc. There were many things that didn't jive for me in this movie. First of all, is this really someones artistic representation of life? Is this their reality or their fantasy? If it is only fantasy is it truly art? Is it truly exposing something more about life we previously didn't know? To me it was just hollywood's attempt at cashing in on the jazz scene, and throwing some sloppy love stories in 'for the ladies'. But maybe they thought they were making a masterpiece.

In my songwriting am I writing my perceived truths or my selfish ideals? I wholeheartedly accept that my version of things is just that, my version of things. But I do believe I am using art as a means to find out more about what's going on in my life. It is the means, not the goal.

I have eeked out a few minutes here and there to work on music. Unfortunately, my 'music muscles' are out of shape and it took me 30 minutes just to warm up. I have some half finished songs, but what I think I need to do is start fresh. New songs for new times. It is almost impossible for me to believe, but the most recent song I've started is a song about hope, about believing in myself. Let's see where it takes me.

Here I am blogging about songwriting instead of actually writing songs.

I'm starting a blog. I have so many unspoken thoughts and feelings regarding what I think of as art, my art. I never talk with anyone about these things. I always feel stuck in this in between place. Stuck between puritan classicalists (is that a word), indie 'rockers', jazz cats, or anyone that enjoys fitting into their chosen genre. I am not a classical pianist/violinist/singer, although I do those things. I am not a jazz vocalist/guitar/piano soloist, although I do those things. I think of myself as predominantly a songwriter. A songwriter who sees her songs like paintings. Like conversations I can never quite muster up the guts to have. I write these songs to tell you how I really feel, or to help myself discover the deeper meaning behind things. Let's face it, I have no idea what's going on in life. I write a song and suddenly see my own faults, others compassion, etc. Some songs are like purging. I say those things I had been thinking, then I'm over it. The hard part is that the song is still there, but I might not see it the same way anymore.

I'm sure I will explore much more about songwriting and making music, and especially how motherhood comes into play. So far it seems like it's basically undone my artistic side, basically undone me. I hope I can bring myself back, or maybe find a new and improved self. We'll see.